
In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you'd find all the weird goofs that we couldn't fit in anywhere else. Some may call it "filler"; we prefer "a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag".
We don't have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page. This one's about cows.
Are you ready to be moo-ved? Willing to be taken to the udder limits? Well then, you're in the right place, dear friends, because this is perhaps the pinnacle of my work here at Nintendo Life: A semi-definitive top 12 cows in video games, based on a proprietary and top-secret grading system that I will not be revealing at this time.
I was going to make it all cows in video games but then I started counting all the Harvest Moon games, and I wanted to throw myself off a cliff, so I've narrowed it down to just 12 (plus honourable mentions). You're wel-cow-me.
Resident Evil 4

Did you know Resi 4 had a cow? Well, now you do. Yes, the inhabitants of Valdelobos have a lot on their plates, what with the Los Illuminados and the Plagas and Salazar going nuts, plus some boyband-looking weirdo and his useless friend stealing all their ammo and valuables, but that doesn't mean they can't still engage in some good old-fashioned animal husbandry.
This rather emaciated cow lives in the village with all its little cow friends and offers a brief respite from all the Things That Want You Dead. This cow could not care less if you lived or died, Leon, as long as you don't try to kill it first. It's just living its happy little cow life, completely unaware of the terror that awaits you, because cows don't know what zombies are. I envy this cow and its blissful ignorance.
Stardew Valley

Why so low down, Stardew? Well, these cows are just... fine. They're just fine. They only come in two varieties — white and brown — and they don't have any fun milk flavours. Even Stardew's chickens come in blue, black, and gold!
Clearly, ConcernedApe is not a cow guy, and that's okay, you know? But considering that ConcernedApe has specifically said that he was influenced by early Harvest Moon games... where's the cuteness? Where's the adorably round nose? I'm sorry, Mr. Barone, but if you can put dinosaurs in a game, you can make your cows at least 20% rounder.
Divinity: Original Sin 2 - Definitive Edition
If you've played Baldur's Gate 3, then I implore you to check out Larian Studios' previous work, Divinity: Original Sin 2, an RPG with all the heart of BG3, but with less of a Dungeons & Dragons influence. In DOS2, you can summon gore blobs to help you in combat, make out with a skeleton, and invade the dreams of a lizard — oh, and you can save two humans that have been polymorphed into cows.
Now, these cows aren't particularly cute or loveable. Their names are Geraldine and Mabel, and they're just normal people who got turned into bovines. You'll need to deal with exploding rats, electric frogs, potion making, and a battle with a witch to save them both, which doesn't sound too hard, but surprise — it's actually one of the hardest fights in the game, and you're probably only level 5 at this point. And then, once you're done with that, come back to the cow-people and restore them to regular human life.
The reason they're on this list is that they're very funny. It's fun to listen to two cursed cow-people bicker about whether or not to talk to you, and even more fun if you come back without the ability to talk to animals, which will result in the two of them bickering just the same, but in moos. There's even a bonus surprise that you get when you successfully return them to human form — but I won't spoil that.
Oh, and if you drink the potion yourself? Congratulations, idiot. You are now a cow. Permanently.
Minecraft

Minecraft cows are not cute. In fact, their wall-eyed stare makes me want to avoid them as much as possible. But I can't deny that they're iconic, and better yet, they have flavours. There's your basic cow, which comes in brown-and-white, wanders the fields, and waits to be turned into beef. There's also the wonderful, unique variant of Mooshrooms; these fellas come in red and brown variants and are the sole inhabitants of the mushroom fields biome, where no other mobs can spawn.
I'll tell you a quick story: in Nova Scotia, where I live, there is a place called Sable Island. It's a small crescent-shaped spit of sand in the Atlantic, and nothing lives there... except about 500 feral horses. These gentle creatures roam freely, unbothered by most humans, doing whatever it is horses do. I think that's beautiful. Mooshrooms remind me of the Sable Island horses. They know nothing of conflict or woe. They just vibe, man. I think that's beautiful.
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Most of the cows on this list are here because they are adorable. This cow — and it is one particular cow from Ocarina of Time — is here because I admire it. Because it raises deep and thoughtful questions about life. Because it teaches us the value of perseverance and determination.
This is the cow in the hole. Specifically, the cow that lives in the Secret Grotto, which can be found in Death Mountain and Hyrule Field. Every other cow in the game lives at Lon Lon Ranch, except that one cow that lives in a cage in Kakariko Village (poor thing), and this cow, the cow in the hole, the cow that lives by itself in a cave. How did the cow get there? How does the cow stay alive? Is the cow okay?
If you play Epona's Song to the cow, she'll actually talk to you before giving you milk, saying that the song "reminds me of the pasture", which is surprisingly touching dialogue from a mystery cave cow. Then she says "have some of my refreshing and nutritious milk", which makes things weird again. Still, free milk.
Side note: Did you know there's actually a Cow% OoT speedrun? And that the current record is 28m 48s? Video games are so great.
Mario Kart series

Apologies to Moo Moo Meadows and Moo Moo Farm fans — I know you're out there, and you're probably my main audience for this list — but I'm going to be smooshing together the three cow versions for this one. First, there are the Moo Moo Farm cows from Mario Kart 64: rotund, blank-eyed, and very obviously a 2D billboard in a 3D world, these are close to the platonic ideal of a Good Cow, but their flatness combined with their inability to get out of the gosh darn road makes them more of a liability than a friend.
Taken from the 2D realm into the 3D at last, the Moo Moo Meadows cows from Mario Kart Wii were an incredible update on a timeless cow classic, but... well... they're just quite cow-shaped, you know? I love a cow-shaped cow, but as you'll find out from the rest of this list, I like a cow that's been taken to cartoonish cuteness extremes even more. The Wii Moo Moos are good cows. They're just not great cows.

Luckily, Mario Kart 8 split the difference, making the Moo Moo Meadows inhabitants much rounder, and much stupider. Do they still block the road? Of course, that's the point of Moo Moo Meadows. But they seem less like they're doing it out of spite (like the Wii ones) and more like they're just much too dumb to live. I like it. I like these cows.
Contin-moo on to page two to dis-cow-ver my top six cows in games... 🐮
Comments 62
Miltank is absolutely adorable! How dare you?
It's the same as with the owls, the roundness is defining factor. That's why bubble cow takes the trophy
Earthworm Jim????
@garzuit i agree.
Miltank for the win.
No talking cows that predict the weather from Dragon Quest?
@dustinprewitt He is a worm not a cow
"Nothing else comes close to an OG bubble cow"
Words to live by
When I saw the article I was like "bubble cow better win or so help me" and I'm really happy
I cannot physically look at the Moo Moo Meadows cows without the stupidest grin on my face
@larryisaman There are cows to launch in Earthworm Jim though.
While i loathe to bring up a game that was originally created by a company that was, not so long ago involved in a sexual harassment lawsuit, i feel the most infamous of all cows (in video games) are the cows in Diablo 2.
The hidden cow level is populated by a swarm of bloodthirsty bovines, wielding halberds, led by a cow patriarch (yeah, i know), all hell-bent on the player’s demise.
The level exists in the Switch version, Diablo 2: Resurrected.
But yeah, Blizzard sucks.
I really like the Moo Moo Meadows music.
Raving Rabbids anyone? No?
Also, I want to point out that the Death Mountain cow's alternate dimension sisters in Majora's Mask were so desirable that you literally had to fight off an creepy alien hoard to keep them from getting abducted
Finally, the article we NEED! Thank you for your service, NL!
@larryisaman you've obviously never played the game.
This article is an udder embarrassment. Nintendo Life is really milking these articles for all they're worth. I probably shouldn't start beef, considering I don't have much of a stake in this, but I don't give a barn what anyone thinks. Now excuse me while I rub my sore calves.
Furthermore, Otis from Back at the Barnyard for Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl 2.
I like it. No bull!
My dad fell in love in with the cows in Mineral Town/Olive Town (I didn't realise people call them Bubble Cows! I'll have to tell him) and so we've ended up with two big plushies; the white one (called The Moower) and a brown one (called, predictably, The Browner). They are naturally very cute 😊
I don’t know why I always read these articles… just can’t resist XD
@OorWullie I came on here precisely to comment this. How can you leave out the cows from Earthworm Jim.
"Well done" Cow says as his friend grins in the background. Thank you cows. I appreciate you, even if Nintendo Life doesn't.
I have to go with HM: AWL. The GCN version where you have to refresh their lactation cycles by breeding them. The switch version was better in most ways but I missed this mechanic.
The best cow on Switch is yer mum playing Animal Crossing.
I started reading while the morning coffee was brewing. I got to this line "this cow design is cow-shaped without being too literal or too boring," and realized we were going deep and needed to wait for the coffee before going any further.
The depth of analysis here. This is both important and serious. While pouring my coffee I realized that I didn't own a cow mug. Like I've drank the milk in the garden of Eden and seen my lack of cow for the first time.
Moo!
(and cannot believe I am the first)
@Not_Soos
Hay, hay, HAY!
Don't be so judgey! Kate went through several comp-moo-tations of game to bovine values (probably) before settling on this list.
Don't cow-nt it out so readily!
I've been watching enough YouTube shorts that I half expected one of these options to just say, "Your Mom"
I love cows, they’re my favorite animal.
I’m not sure how I feel about including One World’s design as a means to diss the game though. Cows are about positivity and love.
Anyway, yes the Bubble Cow is the best cow design ever.
Kate’s stuff is always a joy.
Honorable mention to Arizona from Them's Fightin' Herds?
What? No Earthworm Jim? It’s not everyday you have a cow to say well done to you.
@shonenjump86
Everyone seems to be in consensus about that if you read the other comments
@shonenjump86 is Earthworm Jim actually on the switch? Honest question, I’d like to play it.
To not stretch this across all Nintendo platforms and not mention Cow Racing from Wii Play is a crime!
Can't believe you forgot to mention the only playable cow: the WiiPlay cow!
It was obvious from the subject matter and the sub-headline that this was going to be @KateGray's handiwork... and I was certain that the pun above was going to be deployed. I am well aware that she has channeled the "Dad joke" quite efficiently. But in reading the list and article, I wondered... was she actually sparing us an obvious and even more belaboured pun?
Yes, of course. Like half-mad prophets speaking in tongues, Final Fantasy summoners, and the Canadian housing market, Kate's work crowds the many into spaces meant for the few. ... Which occasionally proves dangerous. But I don't know what to make of the fact that she didn't use the deadliest pun of them all - this list features Harvest Moon twice, and those titles only have two 'o's each! What can this mean?
This oversight (?) deprives us of countless worthy choices: the PS1 RPG Mooooon, Bloodstained Curse of the Mooooo, the Ori games (from Mooooon Studios), Atari's Mooooonar Lander (a loud Mooooo should play when you crash - again), Luigi's Mansion: Dark... you get the point. This gets overwhelming fast. And I haven't even mentioned the sacred cow... but maybe we shouldn't talk about Pokémon.
To this I have only one thing to say, Kate:
Booooooooooooo
(For this one, at least, I and physics teachers everywhere thank you, Kate Gray.)
I really like the Armus from Xenoblade. Don't know if there's enough cow in there for them to count, but they have "Moo" right in the name and they're both fluffy and smooth for the optimal petting experience.
1-2-Switch lets you feel what it’s like to milk a cow. What more do you need?
@dustinprewitt Don’t have a cow, man!
@larryisaman well.... someone had to say it in this thread eventually....
@Not_Soos
I found the article very mooving.
If only we had an Earthworm Jim on Switch. Cows in that game are the best.
@Servbot_EJ well, earthworm jim 1 is on sega online, and earthworm jim 2 is on SNES onlne.....
I didn't know that I needed this.
Removed - unconstructive
Not a cow, but a Bull.
CHAOS from FF XII TZA
A list dedicated solely to cows? Simply bovine.
Link owning a house cow in Ocarina of Time is just priceless, especially when his home is a treehouse.
Blue Miltank shiny cow from the Pokemon game.
Without having to click on the article, I knew this was a @KateGray piece from the mooment I saw the word "cow."
And that's udderly amazing ❤️
@imadeanaccount
imadeanaccount wrote:
Who needs news when one has moos?
News is nothing more than prattle;
Puffed-up pundits waging battle;
Hearsay, gossip, tittle-tattle;
Lend your ear instead to cattle.
@Eel yes they are, but they are part of the Switch online games, the 2nd game is available on the SNES while you have to get the 1st game on Sega Genesis.
@Kiwi_Unlimited should definitely be on the list. Still a fun silly article though.
@Axecon I KNOW RIGHT? As soon as I read the titles just thought "they better include the talking cows from DQXI".
@shonenjump86 oooh the genesis app! I totally forgot it existed to be honest. Thanks I’ll check it out there.
@dustinprewitt YES THATS THE BEST COW TYPE
Bubble Cows for sure and in particular the Friends of Mineral Town ones considering that they can produce different flavors as mentioned by the article!
One of the bosses from Deathsmiles says hello. That game might not be 'cozy' enough though.
Little King's Story is so good. Go play it and then come back and edit this article to take it's cows out of the honorable mentions.
This is the hard-hitting cow-ntent I come to Nintendo Life for - thank you.
I like their ears.
There are many more good cows in Ocarina of Time. Just great, helpful, mooing cows everywhere. In Gerudo Valley, down in the ravine. And in other grottos, too. One precisely by the entrance to the Valley. Something about that Gerudo music just attracts the cows. Real sad they keep falling into holes, though.
The cow in Dragon Quest XI S raised the game from a 9 to a 10 for me. I run the risk of spoiling one of my favourite things in the game by discussing it in any detail, but there is a big cataclysmic JRPG event in the story. Shortly afterwards, you talk to a cow who's so saddened by this that she's now unable to produce milk, and you have to put on a parade to cheer her up.
Gotta go for Miltank here.
Show Comments
Leave A Comment
Hold on there, you need to login to post a comment...